Archive for the ‘Humor / Quote’ Category
My Doctor Should Be A . . .
. . .stand-up comic.
When I told him I was shrinking,
he told me
I should learn to be a little patient.
Holiday Travel No Picnic
My tablemate said he saved a couple hundred dollars by heading home for the holidays today instead of waiting a couple of days.
You might think about traveling on the holiday ‑‑ Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day or New Year’s Day – if you plan flying anywhere this festive season. Airliners are less cramped on those days. Crunching crowds can be expected throughout the Thanksgiving ‑ New Year’s holiday season at train and bus terminals and on highways and city streets as well as airports.
If you’re flying, also consider flights early in the day to avoid the ripple effect that builds up as more and more flights are disrupted, delayed or canceled as the day goes on. And get to the airport early. The closer to flight time you arrive, the greater are your chances of being bumped because airlines tend to overbook most flights.
Whenever . . .
. . .you think the world around you is crazy,
just remember those two guys
who tried making everyone believe we could fly.
They were Wright.
Not All Brokers On The Level
Brokers are no different than used-car salespeople — or butchers, baker and candlestick-makers.
They’re in business to make money.
That means they’re more interested in their own welfare than yours. The only way they make money is by selling stock. The more transactions they conduct, the more commissions they earn.
If you run into one with a larcenous heart, you’re in trouble because there also is little chance
that you’ll recoup your money.
A sad New York story is a simple example of what can go wrong.
A father of three in his 20s was paralyzed from the waist down in a traffic accident and received compensation of $2.1 million. He had never invested money before and was referred to a broker who was his brother’s doctor’s son.
The young man’s accountant instructed the broker to invest the money conservatively. The broker
sunk the money into some 20 mutual funds, which resulted in an array of commissions, and then
sold them to purchase high-tech stocks on margin for more commissions.
Ten months later, the brokerage house informed the paraplegic investor that there was less than $63,000 in his account and his broker had disappeared.
Check out your broker and keep in touch with them constantly. It’s your money.
Things Got A Little Tense . . .
. . . after lunch
as we sat around the table
and talked about the past, the present and the future.
Women Major Victims of Strokes
Most people are unaware that strokes kill more women than does breast cancer. One out of five women between 55 and 75 will suffer a stroke.
Stroke is the No. 3 cause of death in women and kills more women than men. It leaves 60 percent of its victims disabled.
Because stroke robs the brain of blood and oxygen, it results in the death of brain cells. The functions that these cells control can be impaired or lost, leading to paralysis, loss of speech, loss of memory, diminished reasoning, coma ‑‑ sometimes death.
Learn how to spot a stroke F.A.S.T.
If you see Face drooping, Arm weakness or Speech difficulty, it’s Time to call 911.
I Started Reading A Book . . .
. . . about anti-gravity
and I just can’t put it down.
Trussed In the Mail
A neighbor recently mailed a half-dozen cloth place-mats to her daughter as a gift. When they
arrived a couple of them were still intact. The rest had been chewed up and clawed apart by some
mechanical device used by the Post Office.
A computer floppy diskette sent by mail recently by a colleague was returned to the sender with vehicle tire marks all over the smashed package.
These are a couple of extreme examples of what can happen to envelopes or packages you send
through the mail. A few simple precautions can protect packages you mail.
Use bubble wrap and Styrofoam “peanuts” to cushion items you’re mailing. If a collection of
photographs is thicker than a quarter of an inch, use a cardboard box or padded envelope.
Use strong packaging tape to seal the parcel. Put a slip of paper with a return address inside all letters and packages. And never send cash through the mail.
You Don’t Really Need . . .
. . . a parachute to go skydiving,
unless you want to go a second time.
Full Bladder, Seat Belt Don’t Mix
It’s not a good idea to put off nature’s call when embarking on a road trip – or even a jaunt to the corner store. Car wrecks are the most common cause of bladder injury nationwide, according to the American Urological Association.
The trauma occurs when a person with a full bladder has a seat belt strapped across the lower abdomen, and is jolted by the force of the crash. Experts liken it to a balloon: if someone has a full bladder and receives a blunt-force trauma, it could cause the bladder to rupture. If you empty the bladder, it’s like letting the air out of a balloon. It’s a lot harder to break.
Also, seat belts should be worn across the hips, as lap belts. Though most people don’t plan on getting in a wreck, it’s good to know that you can almost eliminate the possibility of an injured bladder if it’s empty. Signs of bladder trauma include blood in urine, difficulty urinating, weak urinary system, painful urination, fever, and severe back pain.
When The Folks Around Here . . .
. . . get to discussing exercise,
I just tell them I’m into resistance training.
I refuse to go to the gym.
Older Couples Share Dental Habits
Couples who have been together a long time tend to have similar dental habits, according to a study conducted by the University of California and the University of North Carolina.
A person with dental neglect is 32 times more likely than others to have a partner with neglect and a person without neglect is 5.4 times more likely to have a similar partner. Persons who are “in denial” about their oral health are 1 to 1 1/2 times more likely to have a similar partner.
Results of another poll by the Sacramento-based California Dental Association include the following:
— Blue is the most preferred color for toothbrushes;
— 47 percent of Americans wet their toothbrushes before applying paste;
— Americans spend an average of 911 hours brushing their teeth during their lifetimes;
— The average number of dental visits in a lifetime is 142, and
— 4 percent of American adults think they have periodontal disease — in reality, closer to 75 percent do.
A Lotta Folks Around Here . . .
. . .keep telling me
that cooking is easy,
but I’ve known for quite some time
that not cooking is much easier.
Hallucinations Offer Clues to Medical Condition
Seeing animals or people that you know aren’t there, or hearing music or voices giving commands – these are hallucinations. They aren’t an uncommon experience, especially for older adults, according to the Mayo Clinic Health Letter.
Talk to your doctor if hallucinations occur regularly, last longer than a few moments, are a new occurrence, or are telling you to do something bad or dangerous. They may be a symptom of a treatable medical or mental condition.
Hallucinations can be a symptom of:
– Mental disorders, including schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, major depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder;
– Certain medical conditions such as Parkinson’s disease, strokes, tumors, and seizures, and
– Vision problems loss ranging from cataracts to macular degeneration or glaucoma may cause visual hallucinations while hearing loss or deafness may trigger auditory hallucinations.
He Who Laughs Last . . .
. . .probably had to have things explained to him.
Sleep On It
An experiment conducted by German scientists showed that a good night’s sleep improves the
ability to solve problems, according to an AARP Bulletin report.
Researchers set up a number of puzzles and gave the subjects two ways to solve them. The
subjects were divided into three groups. One group was allowed to sleep for eight hours after receiving the instructions. The second group stayed awake, and the third was given instructions in the morning after sleeping eight hours.
By a two-to-one margin, the subjects who slept eight hours after getting instructions came up
with a third way to solve the problems more quickly. The researchers suggest that during a good
night’s sleep the “brain rearranges recent memories, a process that can lead to insight and new
knowledge.” |
In A Moment of Musing . . .
. . . I got to wondering
how Noah managed the termites
he loaded on the ark.
Mature Life Features 