Archive for the ‘Humor / Quote’ Category
I Just Celebrated . . .
. . . my 83rd birthday.
And most folks still ask: “How does it feel to be 83 (or wotever age you hit)?”
My answer is still the same — “Short and fat.”
I Must be Getting Old
I’m doing more and more for the last time
. . . and less and less for the first time.
You Know You’re Getting Old When …
… your list
of dead friends, relatives and acquaintances
is longer than your list of living ones.
Getting Through Childhood …
… 
on pins and needles
got us to geezerhood,
which we’re getting through on pills and needles.
We’ve had our twin beds . . .
. . . for more than half a year now,
and I still can’t tell them apart.
Early-Morning Episodes . . .
. . . as seen on pre-breakfast bike rides around Gilbert, Arizona, include:
— a shout-out lime-green polyester shirt housing a pony-tailed blond skimming along a side-street sidewalk followed by her beau in black shorts, black T-shirt and black sandals pedaling a black high-handle-barred coaster bike.
— two grille-to-grille pickups plugging up a driveway and blocking half the street while the backed-into-the-drive vehicle sucks battery juice through what look like black straws from the truck with its back to traffic.
— power mowers competing against each other in green swards across the street from on another as landscapers trim bushes and blow leaves into piles before the sun gets angry.
— teens — bored, perched on curbs, chatting in couples, texting or gaming, a few even waving — gathered at school-bus stops.
— school buses boring into traffic without conscience.
— bikers in bike lanes with teeth gritted who rarely wave back as they bust their buttocks to beat their previous times or distances or both.
— assorted dog-walkers of all attitudes and attire with an endless array of breeds and behaviors.
— householders, a few holding their morning coffee, turning on or off their front-yard sprinkler systems.
— young mothers, mostly in vans, dropping their children off at all-day holding tanks.
Reading maps backwards…
… doesn’t help retrace your steps.
It turns out to be spam.
The Secret of my Success . . .
… is that everybody around me, anybody I’ve ever had contact with, anyone I’ve bought anything from — everyone who’se come within earshot of me — thinks they’re smarter than I am.
While “Do Unto Others” …
. . . butters the skids that silkens society, the 11th Commandment (which was among the five commandments lost when, according to Mel Brooks, Moses dropped the third tablet coming down the mountain), is much more important:
Thou shalt not get in the way
— especially in department store doorways, single-lane roads, viewpoints established to take panoramic scenic take-home pictures…and anywhere else.
